First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
