he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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