The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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