I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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