My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
