I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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