i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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