I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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