Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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