I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
