no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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