I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
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I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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