oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
