i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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