My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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