Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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