My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
