DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
