im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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