I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
