Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
