I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
