They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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