Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
