I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
