I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
