Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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