ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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