I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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