I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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