Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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