Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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