Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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