Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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