Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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