We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
