This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
