i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
