I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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