I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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