Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Green mimosas i think yes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
