oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
