Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
