just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
