she was so not down for the gang bang
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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