you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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