I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm getting married
To pizza
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
