in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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