Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
