update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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