My liver just broke up with me...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
