A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
