I wish I only lived at night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
