Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
