I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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