PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
